Its 8.08am in the morning amazing usually I'd slept through 12pm or by earliest at least 10am in the morning. Damn wad a dream but hell I was tear-ing from it. Many times I force myself to do things I by instincts would usually not do.
You probably would never come across this but well hack cause even if you do come across you wouldn't even know if I'm refering to you xq.. I known you since u were 11 thats about 6 years i guess but no one would probably guess that we would become good friends even to the extend that i fell in love with you, but before that I've always known you were for another never me.
I backed myself off from that competition, zw was my best regarded friend that time the only one who understood me well and better than most, from other friends who dig into our relationships from you who should well be aware of my feelings from those who gossiped 'bout us or even from me when words escaped from me when caught unguarded. Its true but well I don't pursue it because love or jealousy at my age at that time probably would turn into possessiveness.
Maybe I was wrong to have left and avoided you and only talk for that maybe 15 to 20 minute when I sent you home at saturday nights after church as a friend not good friend just.. friend where usually is with cm and pt, kz joined later but well i had to play things out properly else there would be trouble to no end by the leaders and vivan whom i so damn hated at that time cause unknowingly she always wants to exercise her control over me. I know damn well that she'll hammer me with all those fucking questions just to make me blurt out all those things I want to hide my secrets.
-- Thats one of the reasons that let me left the church. Probably unveiled the first time, theres 2 others maybe in time I would write it out here as well.
Even fake another thing out with liking cynthia-theresa just to make sure things look real and those leaders would focus on just me instead of you. Funny, I even remember leon asking me "hey **** you like cynthia ar?" I faked, looking down doing all those shy boy actions then 'No' was a pretty convincing act I thought, leon replied "She's a good girl, please take care of her" haaz... The bait is totally on like me hooking onto the fish now just to let it flee back to its colony hooked and to show me more preys. --
There was a few times when I had almost lost control of myself first when you were sick I took a cab and sent you home. I struggled to even keep myself together from crazed ideas just to make sure you're ok.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
The true victims of squabbles and wars by the adults no.. maybe parents
Some thoughts to lead us into my topic..
*read: Title*
*What just happened*
Well, just hours ago my mum and dad just reached home both drunk but my dad slightly more conscious, Mum was totalled. Dad got lucky and didn't get caught for drunk driving. He was yelling, as if we were all deaf or nearly, for me and my brother to open the door for him. We got out to "welcome" him, my bro reach forward I only watch at the back and only to help when my dad almost fell down. I don't really like these situations as you know.. Having a pretty good nose is bad, you can smell those liquor stench from far away and gets stronger by moving inches closer, but even though with that I still have to help 'em back into the room settle them while my dad went to the toilet to vomit, cursing my mum as he does that. Ew.. those disgusting sound of stuff flowing out of his mouth instead of through the normal system by passing through our anus and dick or pussy for some other in this case. I think they have had an arguement or a cold war or somethin' today and things didn't end quite right. What I suspect would be they would meet in the same nightclub with all their friends(actually they have the same circle of friends just a few for each from outside that circle) then they would drink and drink and drink as if those alcohols were FREE! *End of story, well at least for my part - They're still awake*
*Back to topic*
Well, looking at the present topic many people are just gonna say "ah.. damn another 'no child abuse' or 'save the earth, save our children' person" well damn, you are almost right but what I want to 'think through' about for now is the psychological effect not just the child but also parents in this case the adults.
First off for the child, its a normal traumatic experience that they would have to go through throughout their life. Worst case might be a mental illness or psychological effect on them. I still remember when I was young, my mum and dad didn't quarrel alot in front of me, always portraying those happily ever after and angelical faces like they were meant for each other until I am at the age where they supposedly think it is old enough to face these arguements. I didn't know much that time when they started to bring those wars to my front. I was 9 maybe 10? They would often quarrel as frequent as eating lunch maybe dinner which ever you prefer. (: It was something I couldn't really forget I hate those arguements and they would usually just think I don't understand what they were saying in dialects or in chinese. But in actual fact I do. I really do. The word divorce keeps coming out of their mouth. They would compete against each other much worse my dad has a habit of directing his anger at furnitures and objects and the apartment was a wreck. It felt like hell. I feel lonely at those point. Eventually I developed a habit of hiding under my bed hugging my knees when they argue or just hide in somewhere dark like my storeroom where i couldn't see anything and stay there until the arguement stop. Some other things that developed was communication. At about 12 years old I, from a total extrovert who could talk laugh and be superiorly devilishly naughty, became an introvert who could just sit around the whole day not breathing a single sound out of my mouth. I didn't know why it just felt like if I say anything, it would become an arguement. I felt much like crap. I grew up lonely and voided emptyness everywhere, home, school, even church. There wasn't anyone exceptionally close with me in church its pathetic CHURCH of all places I still couldn't find friends, friends that I could be turn to. At the age of 15, I even attempted suicide it was really really pathetic of course it was prevented but on a ridiculous event. Afterall if i was dead i won't be writing this whole essay would i? So much for the experience of childhood
Adults for most case won't be able to see all this coming i suppose. Things that would affect them unconsciously, firstly pride. When you are arguing first thing you would alway do is show ur anger ur frustruation ur superiority the point that you are and will be right. Beneath all that what you want to have is pride, the pride that wouldn't allow you to step down, back or even step away.
Couldn' finish out of writing thoughts perhaps next time.
*read: Title*
*What just happened*
Well, just hours ago my mum and dad just reached home both drunk but my dad slightly more conscious, Mum was totalled. Dad got lucky and didn't get caught for drunk driving. He was yelling, as if we were all deaf or nearly, for me and my brother to open the door for him. We got out to "welcome" him, my bro reach forward I only watch at the back and only to help when my dad almost fell down. I don't really like these situations as you know.. Having a pretty good nose is bad, you can smell those liquor stench from far away and gets stronger by moving inches closer, but even though with that I still have to help 'em back into the room settle them while my dad went to the toilet to vomit, cursing my mum as he does that. Ew.. those disgusting sound of stuff flowing out of his mouth instead of through the normal system by passing through our anus and dick or pussy for some other in this case. I think they have had an arguement or a cold war or somethin' today and things didn't end quite right. What I suspect would be they would meet in the same nightclub with all their friends(actually they have the same circle of friends just a few for each from outside that circle) then they would drink and drink and drink as if those alcohols were FREE! *End of story, well at least for my part - They're still awake*
*Back to topic*
Well, looking at the present topic many people are just gonna say "ah.. damn another 'no child abuse' or 'save the earth, save our children' person" well damn, you are almost right but what I want to 'think through' about for now is the psychological effect not just the child but also parents in this case the adults.
First off for the child, its a normal traumatic experience that they would have to go through throughout their life. Worst case might be a mental illness or psychological effect on them. I still remember when I was young, my mum and dad didn't quarrel alot in front of me, always portraying those happily ever after and angelical faces like they were meant for each other until I am at the age where they supposedly think it is old enough to face these arguements. I didn't know much that time when they started to bring those wars to my front. I was 9 maybe 10? They would often quarrel as frequent as eating lunch maybe dinner which ever you prefer. (: It was something I couldn't really forget I hate those arguements and they would usually just think I don't understand what they were saying in dialects or in chinese. But in actual fact I do. I really do. The word divorce keeps coming out of their mouth. They would compete against each other much worse my dad has a habit of directing his anger at furnitures and objects and the apartment was a wreck. It felt like hell. I feel lonely at those point. Eventually I developed a habit of hiding under my bed hugging my knees when they argue or just hide in somewhere dark like my storeroom where i couldn't see anything and stay there until the arguement stop. Some other things that developed was communication. At about 12 years old I, from a total extrovert who could talk laugh and be superiorly devilishly naughty, became an introvert who could just sit around the whole day not breathing a single sound out of my mouth. I didn't know why it just felt like if I say anything, it would become an arguement. I felt much like crap. I grew up lonely and voided emptyness everywhere, home, school, even church. There wasn't anyone exceptionally close with me in church its pathetic CHURCH of all places I still couldn't find friends, friends that I could be turn to. At the age of 15, I even attempted suicide it was really really pathetic of course it was prevented but on a ridiculous event. Afterall if i was dead i won't be writing this whole essay would i? So much for the experience of childhood
Adults for most case won't be able to see all this coming i suppose. Things that would affect them unconsciously, firstly pride. When you are arguing first thing you would alway do is show ur anger ur frustruation ur superiority the point that you are and will be right. Beneath all that what you want to have is pride, the pride that wouldn't allow you to step down, back or even step away.
Couldn' finish out of writing thoughts perhaps next time.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
First Post is always nonsense
I was just thinking of something, and there I am wondering if i shud create a blog to store all my thoughts for future references where after much consideration... This is my decision. :)
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